Nine months, the biggest conspiracy in history

What makes conspiracy theories so darn interesting is that there’s always a kernel of truth in them. Cases always make sense to a point, and then the math fails and things don’t add up, leaving everyone searching for that damning link that probably isn’t there.

I’ve come to learn that exactly how long a woman is pregnant is exactly like that. A good conspiracy theory. It keeps you guessing and counting. And nothing ever adds up.

So how long is a woman pregnant? If you say nine months, you’re right or wrong or both. Apparently, you’re both, let’s do the math.

Shortly before my wife turned 18 weeks pregnant, I asked her, “Aren’t you excited? You’re halfway there!”

Surprisingly, she replied, “No, I’m not. I won’t be halfway there until twenty weeks.”

I’ve mentioned before I’m no good with math but 20 weeks as the halfway point didn’t seem right to me, so I quickly started running the numbers in my head (if you’ve ever seen A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe, that’s kind of what I look like doing simple math in my head; you’d think I was processing quantum mechanics). After a solid 40 seconds of thought, I said, “That’s not right. Eighteen weeks is the halfway point.”

My wife insisted it was 20. That’s when all mathematical hell broke loose.

According to doctors and just about every medical paper out there, full term for a pregnancy is 40 weeks. Or 38 to 40 but who’s really counting? Apparently, no one…with any sense. Either that, or we’ve been lied to since time began.

Nine months is 36 weeks, so to my mathematically challenged brain 18 weeks is the halfway point to 36. Thirty-six divided by two equals 18. Therefore, 18 is the halfway point to giving birth, give or take a few days, depending on when the baby decides to finally show up for the party. Some are fashionably late. Some are eagerly early.

My conclusion was that a woman is actually pregnant for 10 months (shock!), if 20 weeks is the halfway point. Why? Because there are four weeks in a month. 10×4=40. That’s why!

When I presented my findings to my wife, I was told, as usual, that I was wrong; though she admitted she saw the confusion and was thrown off by it herself.

I was then explained that when you’re pregnant, they count from the first missed period. To which I argued, “But you weren’t pregnant then.”

“I know but that’s when they count from.”

“So let me get this straight. They start counting your pregnancy from before you were pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“Then why aren’t you 100 weeks pregnant? Then why aren’t you 1,870 weeks pregnant? If we’re not being exact, why not say you’re any amount of weeks pregnant and that a typical pregnancy is, say, 142 months? And how do trimesters fit into this? I assume it’s because a woman is pregnant for nine months and nine can be divided comfortably by three. But 40 weeks blows trimesters right out of the water.”

Perhaps after conception the zygote travels back in time two weeks to even out the score a little and starts developing from there, establishing its own new and profound timeline. No wonder my head hurts, trying to do this math. My unborn son is capable of time travel. This kid’s making me feel like an idiot before he’s even born. I think I’m in for a rough parenthood.

To add (no pun intended) to the confusion, I was then told that at 18 weeks my wife was actually five months pregnant.

Hold on! That’s not right. Eighteen weeks is four-and-a-half months.

“But I’m IN my fifth month, so they say I’m five months pregnant.”

Talk about jumping ahead and accomplishing your goals before they happen. I think it’s just a pregnant woman’s way to ease things along. But I started to see how this pregnancy was picking up an extra month.

In this manner of thinking, I’m not 38 years old but actually in my 39th year, which I won’t tolerate because that means I lost an entire year of my life somewhere.

“Who’re they? Morons?” I argued. “That’s not how you count. You never count the ‘thing’ you’re in.”

“In pregnancy you do.”

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