Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven year old granddaughter was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
“Wow,” said the grandmother, “I must have worn these when I was 183.”
Her granddaughter looked puzzled, then asked, “How old are you now?”
My aunt’s neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, Felix disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured the he’d been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that fall, when Felix disappeared again.
The next spring he returned. Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking the neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. “A black cat?” the woman said. “Oh yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter.”
A golfer is playing a round of golf with his friends. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub eight balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golf game, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.
Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps into the lake. His buddies think he is going to retrieve his clubs.
When he comes out of the water he doesn’t have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.
One of his buddies asks, “Why did you jump into the lake?”
He answers, “I left my car keys in the bag.”
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.
“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in shipping.
Within the month, the man received an acknowledgment from his friend. “Thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”
In a rush to work one morning, Jim pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because he was in a hurry, Jim asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and he could drink it faster.
He sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get the coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, “I’m sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!”
At her grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary, Emily was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. “Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years,” Emily commented.
Grandma never hesitated, “That’s why I’ve kept Grandpa all this time,” she said. “I know he’ll be back in style again one of these days.”
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” replied the rancher. “But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s post-dated six years from now.”
