There’s something about this time of year that I find it hard to tell the truth … at least in my writing. For me, fall produces creativity. Maybe because it’s a romantic time of year and so much fiction (no matter genre) is the romanticizing of something or maybe because I write in a near-horror genre and with fall comes Halloween, dark skies, and empty trees.
My editorial mind kind of shuts down soon as the leaves begin to fall, and I have a hard time developing a good Happy Trails, one parked in truth, at least, which is why I’m going graveside with this one and burying my shovel into the soft earth of fiction. Call it a Happy Tale.
My idea to tell a fabricated news story has been a longtime coming. I first broached the idea with a managing editor of mine years ago, and he dismissed the idea under the pretenses it would give readers the wrong impression, and worse, they may believe it. Think Orson Wells’ 1938 “War of the Worlds” broadcast.
I saw his point, but I countered: “What if it’s something completely outlandish, like the Stay Puft marshmallow man gets captured by a party of wild Indians, but lives to tell the tale of how he (a fictional trademark, mind you) was tied to spit over an open flame? Who would believe that?”
My editor’s response: “Plenty. Probably a lot.” And: “We’ll get calls.”
The almighty Call.
“Fine, I’ll stick with the grown-ups version of how I spent my summer vacation.”
The idea was shelved, and it’s been locked away ever since.
But now that I own a publication … well, there are perks. Call it fictitious liberty in the name of pure entertainment. But to prevent confusion (and Calls), what follows IS a work of fiction. Or is it?
Now for the tale of Rags Kincaid.
Interview with a scarecrow
Rags Kincaid has been hanging around these parts for a long time, and to those who know him, he’s just a dummy.
“I don’t mind the misconception,” Rags said. “Not so much, anyway. But movies like ‘The Wizard of Oz’ haven’t helped public opinion that all scarecrows are brainless. Some of us are quite alive, indeed.”
According to Rags, whose name is really Robert, not all scarecrows are alive. Most aren’t. In fact, he said, most are little more than porch decoration with hay up their sleeves and the cushy job of looking cute all day long. Rags, however, hails from a long line of living scarecrows who’ve worked farms in the area for more than a hundred years.
“I’ve worked the same farm most of my time [30 years]. You know the old Windsor Circle place off Route 72? Good farm. Nice fields. Felix Windsor always gives me a view of the west acres, where I can keep a good watch and see the sunset in the evenings. It’s nice. But, of course, I try to go where the work takes me.”
Rags said his great-grandfather was one of the first living scarecrows in the area, working the Drendel Farm, which Sun City now sits on.
Rags’ lineage of scarecrows are considered the real deal and have the important job of keeping the birds at bay. During his career, Rags estimates he’s personally saved at least three tons of corn and other grain from the clutches of winged scavengers.
“Consumers don’t know how much work it takes, keeping varmint, they’re all varmint, away. Nobody likes missing kernels in their corn. A good ear of corn is like a perfect smile.”
On that note, Rags also explained that keeping a straight face is the key to the success of any scarecrow.
“It’s a skill that takes years of practice to hone. Most people think maintaining a rigid expression is a matter of concentration and the tensing of facial muscles. But it’s actually the opposite,” Rags said. “You need total relaxation to achieve the affect. Once you master that, your face will fall into its natural position, which is different for each scarecrow. For me, it’s this.”
Rags paused a moment and produced wide eyes and raised his cheekbones, lifting his mouth into a not unpleasant halfmoon that was a little crooked at the corners, showing a rim of surprisingly well-maintained teeth.
“See,” he said. “Not so bad, right? Birds and other animals, though, find it terrifying. They often confuse smiles for snarls. But the hardest thing about keeping a straight face is when the kids come and make all sorts of faces back at me. It’s fun, but I can’t always resist the urge to wink or stick my tongue out. Oh, you should see them run! So you see, not all stuffing up here.”
He tapped his temple.
When asked if any other common autumn icons are real, specifically the Jack O’ Lantern, Rags said with a laugh, “Oh, come on, they have seeds for brains. They’re little more than squirrel food.”
But he warned, “Now witches, on the other hand, they’re very real. My mother-in-law is one.
