Some unsolicited business advice for the North Pole Co.

As a skeptical kid whose faith in Santa was fading, it was a barcode that hammered the final nail into my coffin of innocence one fateful Christmas night.

I must have been around five the year when The Great Christmas Lie was revealed. I had asked Santa for a “Where’s Waldo” book that year and got it. Even wrapped under the tree, the narrow, flat shape of the book was an obvious tell.

My hunch was proven true as I tore up the paper and found “Where’s Waldo in Hollywood” underneath. I’d later spend hours scouring the pages for Waldo and his friends, but my next discovery took just seconds and would have much stronger ramifications.

I flipped the book over and read the back cover. I’m not sure why, but my eyes then drifted to the bottom right corner. There, above the black and white bars was stamped “TARGET.”

It was the smoking gun. Cold, irrefutable evidence that presents did not come from the North Pole, they were not made by elves, and Santa – the fraud! – was not real. I was angry, and I wanted answers. My parents said that sometimes Santa needs a little help. This was not the answer I was looking for.
With time, I learned to accept the truth and move on. I let other kids enjoy the blissful ignorance of believing in Santa, keeping the truth to myself like a would-be whistleblower bound by his own politeness.

When I think about it today, it’s apparent that the Santa myth needs some updating. A book is a hard enough present to give Santa and the elves credit for, but in my day, I had received a Super Nintendo, a Game Boy, and CDs. How did I believe the elves made those?

Sure, the traditional image we have of Santa’s workshop with cherubic little elves making handmade wooden toys is a warm and fuzzy one, but it’s obsolete. It worked in its time, when those were the only toys available. It had a good run, even up until the last few decades or so, but we now live in a digital age.

How are kids supposed to believe elves are making PlayStation 4s? iPhones? Beats Headphones? It’s not just electronics, either: so many modern gifts are intangibles today. How does an elf give a child a Netflix subscription, exactly?

Santa actually may not need much of a makeover. He’s got a sort of timeless appeal, and I cringe at the thought of “modernizing” his look. His sleigh is environmentally friendly, which is a major plus these days. He can stay as is.

The elves, however, need some real work. Their North Pole factory is so far behind the times, it’s even outdated by industrial revolution standards. I don’t want to imagine the heinous OSHA fines they are subject to up there.

I’m sure elf pension isn’t cheap, but from the looks of it, Santa hasn’t let a single elf retire. Pay the piper, Santa, and let some upstart elves with electronics or computer engineering degrees get their shot.

There’s still a long way to go, but I think this would be a great start. If the Santa myth stays as is, I fear that it won’t last much longer. So take some time, Santa, and really think about the pros and cons here. I’m not ready for Steve Jobs’ ghost to become the new figure of Christmas.

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