Thank you turtles, and beetles, and crows (oh my!)

Several weeks ago in this space, I suggested that we should all say “Thank you for your service” to teachers, just as we thank military men and women for their service. That column “ignited” a “flood” of reader emails as contradictory as the mixed fire/water metaphor earlier in this sentence.

Some agreed with me and dashed out to thank the nearest teacher they could find.

Some thought I hadn’t gone far enough, suggesting that we might also shower firefighters and police officers with thanks for their service.

And some thought I went too far, arguing that saying “Thank you for your service” to anybody but military personnel would diminish its impact.

I emailed back to thank everyone who shared an opinion, no matter how diverse. I’m just a thankful kind of guy, I guess.

And now, at the risk of fanning the flames of new mixed-metaphorical floodwaters, and with Thanksgiving looming on the horizon, I’m back again today to say: “Thank you for your service…”

…to crows.

That’s because officials at the Puy de Fou historical theme park in Vendee, France, have trained crows to patrol the park, picking up cigarette butts and dropping them into special trash containers that reward the birds with a little pellet of food for each butt they dump. (Of course, humans are so delighted at their antics that they throw even more butts on the ground to watch the birds perform, but that’s a problem for some other day. Maybe squadrons of attack-pigeons to poop on gratuitous butt-flickers?)

And then once we’ve thanked the crows (and maybe pigeons) for their service, there are the goats to thank, too, who are busy munching down all the poison ivy that has choked popular places like Fort Hancock historical site in Sandy Hook, NJ; and Marist College in Poughkeepsie, NY; and Chicago’s O’Hare Airport; and dozens of other places. Not only do the goats enjoy the scratchy snack without ill effects, but you can still drink their milk without getting sick — unless, that is, the very thought of drinking goat’s milk makes you retch. But that, too, is a problem for another day.

And once we’ve thanked all the crows and goats, let’s not forget to tip our gratitude hat to native snapping turtles, which have been bred and deployed to eliminate invasive plant species all over Illinois’ Cook County Forest Preserve District. Because of invasive plants, almost 350,000 gallons of water end up in the sewer system every time an inch of rain falls. But once the turtles have done their job, native plant species can take root again and “filtrate” the water as they originally did, keeping our ankles drier — although possibly a bit snappier.

And while we’re at this business of giving thanks, let’s not forget to give a big bug-hug to all those Insect Allies the US military have been grooming for combat since 2016 with their Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA). Under the project, lil’ beasties like aphids can be “infected” with beneficial viruses, which they pass on to plants like corn and soybeans when they munch on them. The bug-borne beneficial viruses can combat harmful viruses, making plants more resistant to drought, plant diseases, and even bioterrorism attacks from potential enemy states.

And then, lest our bacterial friends get jealous over our viral gratitude, let’s send up a cheer for the Wolbachia pipientis bacterium, with which the EPA has been infecting Asian tiger mosquitos—the mosquitos that spread viruses such as dengue, yellow fever and Zika. Once infected with the bacterium, the female mosquitos become infertile, so their eggs don’t hatch. So, little bacteria bugs, thank you for your service.

And while we’re at it, thanks to all you mosquitos, for… well, for dying.

Oh, sure, all this could come back to haunt us somehow. The bacteria could mutate and wipe us out. The turtles could form a union, withdraw into their shells, and go on strike. The crows and pigeons could team up with the goats and hatch whatever monstrous scheme can be dreamed up in the fevered brains of crows, pigeons and goats working in concert.

But for now, they’re doing all that dirty work for us, and I say: “Thank you for your service.”

And if it all goes pear-shaped on us in the future, I’m sure we’ll find something to bail us out. Robots, maybe? Because what could possibly go wrong with an army of benign robots watching over us? I, for one, thank you in advance for your service, robot overlords. Some may feel differently — I’ll give you their names. Or you could just ask Alexa to point them out to you. She’s been listening. Thank you, Alexa, for being so attentive.

Anyway, that’s the way I see things about this business of giving thanks for the services provided for us. You may disagree, and if so, I’m sure I’ll hear from you. Still, let’s don’t all start fighting like cats and dogs about it.

And, hey, speaking of cats and dogs, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a thankful head-pat to all you mutts out there, not just for protecting us from bad guys and fetching tasty pheasants, rabbits and ducks for us to eat, but also for using your uncanny skills to sniff out bedbugs, and cancer, and a host of other nasty things that make our lives miserable. So, pooches, thanks for your service!

And to all you cats out there:

Um… well…

Author, musician and storyteller TR Kerth is a retired teacher who has lived in Sun City Huntley since 2003. Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Can’t wait for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Then get TR’s book, “Revenge of the Sardines,” available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online book distributors.

---