Q. My young children, ages 6 and 8, will be visiting their great-grandmother this holiday season. She has dementia, and I’m concerned about how my kids will react if she seems confused, forgetful, or behaves unpredictably. It’s been about a year since they’ve seen her, and I know that over the past year, her dementia has progressed. I want their visit to be warm and positive, especially since we don’t get to see her very often.
Do you have any advice on how I can prepare my children for what to expect? Are there any activities or conversation starters we can use that might make our visit easier and more enjoyable?
A. It’s wonderful that your children will get to spend time with their great-grandmother this holiday season. Your thoughtfulness will certainly help make it a positive experience for everyone. Visiting a loved one with dementia can be unpredictable, but with a little preparation, it can also be meaningful and memorable.
Start by explaining to your children what it’s like for someone to have dementia. A person with dementia may repeat questions, forget names, or become confused about time or place. Sometimes they may seem distant, while at other times they appear very alert and engaged. These fluctuations are normal, and your children may notice changes even within one visit.
Next, set expectations for your children. Gently explain that their great-grandmother’s memory isn’t what it used to be. Let them know she may ask the same questions over and over, seem different from the last time they saw her, or forget things. Reassure your children that this is normal, and they need to show empathy. They may need to answer the same question repeatedly and should do so without demonstrating frustration. Reassure them that you will try to steer the conversation to something else if she continues to ask repeated questions.
Remember to stay calm and patient as a parent and a granddaughter. Kids often mirror adult reactions. Demonstrate calmness and humor so that your children feel secure and can learn how to respond.
Regarding conversation starters and activities, it can be extremely helpful to have a tentative plan to help make your visit more enjoyable. Reminiscence is always a great place to start, as most people living with dementia can recall past memories. Encourage your children to ask their great-grandmother about favorite holiday memories, traditions, childhood toys, or sibling relationships. Keep questions open-ended and easy to answer.
Another activity to consider is singing familiar songs together. Bring a playlist of familiar holiday tunes to sing together and encourage your children to sing and dance along. Music has a way of connecting multiple generations, making it a great activity to help make memorable moments.
Lastly, encourage your children to share small stories about their lives with their great-grandmother. Print a few photos so that they can share with her, or ask them to bring a short book they could read aloud to her during the visit. They can even draw her a picture before the visit that she can display in her room.
With preparation and a gentle approach, your children can enjoy a special visit with their great-grandmother, even if the visit looks different than past holidays. The most important thing is warmth, patience, and connection.
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