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August 28, 2014

TR Kerth

A long line of clocks and loops of time

When I was a kid, we had three clocks in the house. An alarm clock sat on the nightstand next to Mom and Dad’s bed, of course, though I don’t think I ever heard it ring. Dad set it every night to ensure that he wouldn’t oversleep and be late for work at the Thompson Wire steel mill, but he always awoke in the dark and turned it off before it jangled the house awake.

The real reason why hurricanes are deadlier than himmicanes

According to a report published by the University of Illinois in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Atlantic hurricanes with female names are far more deadly than male-named hurricanes. The researchers are quick to provide a reason for their sexist findings that will keep their scientific eyes from being scratched out. Female hurricanes, they say, are perceived by the public as less threatening, so people are less-prepared.

Whether you are thankful or not, you are welcome

It happened several years ago, but every time I hear those three simple words I think of it.

Giving a son a missing piece of his father

If your father had been dead for 20 years and if you had few childhood photos of him (or none), how important would it be to you to see a lost picture of him at 13 years old?

A name so common, you’ve never, ever, met one

Ask anybody what “Fido” means to them, and they’ll say without a moment’s hesitation, “That’s a dog’s name.”

Spring, when the wind whispers: ‘What next? What next?’

It is spring. Today the windows are open and the wind whispers through the screens, setting the drapes all a-dance.
And just that quick, I am blown back to the late 1950s, sitting in Miss Landoc’s English class in John Mills Grammar School in Elmwood Park, Il

Welcome to Umbrage — next stop: High Dudgeon

It was early evening, and I had spent most of the day on the go—grocery shopping, cleaning the house, doing dishes and laundry, cooking meals. I wanted to put my brain and body on pause for a few minutes before opening the bills from the mailbox.

Take two pills and call me if you survive until morning

As Mark Twain tells it, he once had one of those nagging colds that just wouldn’t go away. He asked a neighbor what he should do about it.
“Drink a quart of whisky,” the neighbor said.

Model homes force a welcome to the New Stone Age

I spend a lot of time in model homes. Way more time than a man should have to spend in one, especially since I live in a home less than five years old.

Winter-weary Midwesterners shovel their way to wings

I grew up in a working-class Illinois Methodist home, and though I wouldn’t say my family was particularly religious, Dad was the poster-child for the protestant work ethic.

When it comes to diet, only terrorists are rootin’ for gluten

I walked up to one of those little food-sample kiosks at the grocery store the other day, where a lady was handing out a wedge of something on tiny paper plates. I didn’t know what she was doling out, but it didn’t matter because I have the discernment of a doberman when it comes to scarfing down free food samples at the grocery store.

With a well-fed dog, you’ll never get lost again

Well, it’s about time.
I never thought I would live to see it, but some scientists are finally breaking away from the herd of researchers obsessed with silly things like global climate change, genetically-enhanced food products, antibiotic-resistant bugs and the like.

Strolling the streets of Spamville in the dark before dawn

I took a stroll down Main Street in Spamville early this morning. I was lucky enough to make it back home, but I’m still trying to regain my balance.

Another check on my endless New Year’s resolution

I stopped making New Year’s resolutions a long time ago, when I realized that they were all doomed to failure.

With calendars, it’s a game of hide and seek

Look, it’s not as if I haven’t given it a fair shake, but this whole calendar thing just isn’t working out for me.

Finding your furniture a step ahead of the vultures

I knew you could be arrested for a lot of things, but I was surprised to learn that you could be hauled in for your taste in interior decorating.

The real story behind the queen mother of all hickeys

When you spend close to 40 years in high schools — first as a student, then a teacher — you see a lot of hickeys. Or you see a lot of turtleneck shirts worn on 90-degree days, “Just because I felt like wearing one today. In fact, maybe I’ll wear one every day this week.”

A renewed interest in the nests of autumn

This splendid autumn of ours can last only so long, and before you know it, snowbirds of every feather will be heading south. The hummingbirds dashed off a couple weeks ago, and the robins will start making their reservations soon.

Step away from the Handi-Wipes and reach for the sky

It’s getting to the point where you can’t have any fun anymore.
Unless, that is, you enjoy rules and restrictions. If so, then life is a laugh-riot.

The empty desk in the first row on the left, three seats back

I only knew Stephen for a bit less than a year. He didn’t give me the chance to get to know him better because he killed himself.

No telling who will join the band in our backyard Eden

In our backyard, nestled among the tea roses, phlox and alyssum, is a black iron fountain with a fluted bowl atop a pedestal rising from a stone-ringed basin at the bottom. It is not the spouting kind of fountain. Rather, it drips softly into the water below, filling the garden with a liquid music to serve as background to the birdsong.

Today’s specials are petri-dish pork and in-vitro veal

Well, it was just a matter of time, wasn’t it? After all, we’ve been brewing babies at the bottom of test tubes for decades now, so we shouldn’t be surprised that somebody finally got around to manufacturing man-made burgers.

No hamsters were harmed in the passing of this milestone

I just rolled four nines over! Time to party!
No, I’m not a poker player. I wouldn’t know a full house from an outhouse. Those nines I’m talking about rolled over in my car.

Sailing toward home again on a ship of the senses

I went to the Cayman Islands this morning, where I lay on a white sand beach with waves lapping at my feet. Frigate birds soared overhead, and as I drowsed between sleep and wakefulness, I tried to decide if I should grab my fins and paddle out to snorkel the coral reef again or just order another frosty Bahama Mama and wait for dinner at the thatched beach hut.

If you get a photo of my salt shaker, don’t bother calling back

I got a smart phone the other day, and now I feel more stupid than ever.

The room where you leave your body to find truth

We don’t see the world as it is. We see the world as we are.
I wish I could take credit for that bit of deep wisdom, but I wasn’t the first one to say it. That honor goes to Anais Nin, the early 20th century diarist who knew all about seeing the world.