Q. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I find myself more and more down and gloomy. I knew this holiday would be difficult since losing my spouse, but I hadn’t realized just how challenging it will be for me to get through this day. Although I’ve never really cared about Valentine’s Day, my husband never missed the holiday. He always left me a written love note to find in the morning and always came home from work with roses. In our retirement years, he continued the tradition. Now that he’s gone, the thought of not waking up to a love note or receiving flowers from him, as silly as it may seem, breaks my heart. Do you have any suggestions for how I can face this day without the love of my life?
A. My heart breaks with you as Valentine’s Day approaches. What a love story you two shared, and what great loss when our true love is no longer with us.
Whether it’s the first Valentine’s Day that your spouse isn’t present, or it’s been several years, certain days can trigger memories and evoke strong emotions. I first suggest giving yourself time and grace to feel those emotions. It’s easy to shrug them off or try to ignore them, but you’ve suffered a great loss and great loss requires time to heal. At the same time, sitting around in a depressed state isn’t good for your health either. Monitor your grief and the impact it has on your day. If you can’t seem to pull yourself together and manage basic tasks, such as getting dressed or eating, I urge you to seek professional assistance from a grief counselor.
As the day approaches, focus on other people in your life that you love deeply, such as children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or close friends. Spend time creating valentines to send to them. Carry on the tradition your husband started by writing love notes to them. Tell them how much you appreciate their friendship or the way they make you smile. Shifting your focus from what you lost to what you still have can help you through this holiday.
Next, buy yourself flowers. They don’t have to be what your husband always brought home, but they can be if it comforts you. Fresh, colorful flowers will brighten up your day and give your mood a boost.
Then, make plans for the day. Take a friend to lunch. Offer to babysit for your adult children so that they can go out for dinner. Invite the grandkids over for a pizza and movie night. Having something to look forward to will help you manage your emotions throughout the day.
Finally, honor your late husband’s memory by spreading the love to those around you. Give a monetary donation in his name to his favorite charity. Buy the stranger’s coffee order in line behind you at a coffee house. Surprise a newlywed couple by paying for their Valentine’s Day dinner. Send valentine cards to other lonely seniors living in a nearby nursing home. Secretly send roses to a neighbor down the street who needs a little more cheer. Focusing on others, instead of your own sorrow, will give you hope and bring you joy.
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