Q. Iâm writing with a heavy heart and a lot of uncertainty. My sister and I recently had to step in to care for our dad after our mom was unexpectedly hospitalized. It all happened so fast, and honestly, we were unprepared.
In just a few days, we began to see how exhausting it must have been for our mom. Dad is showing signs of memory loss. Heâs confused, repeats himself, and canât seem to complete basic tasks. Itâs clear now that sheâs been holding it all together longer than we realized.
This experience opened our eyes. Our parents need more support than theyâre currently getting, and our momâs health scare might have been the result of trying to do it all alone.
We love them deeply and want them to have the best quality of life possible, but weâre overwhelmed and unsure where to start. We donât want to overstep or make them feel like theyâre losing their independence, but we also donât want to ignore the reality in front of us.
How do we begin this next chapter with them, with compassion, honesty, and the right resources?
A. First, let me say â youâre not alone. What you and your sister are experiencing is something many adult children go through, and itâs incredibly tough. Your letter shows how much love and care you have for your parents and that compassion will be your greatest guide through this next chapter.
It sounds like your mom has been carrying the weight of caregiving for quite some time, likely without asking for help. This is common, especially among older couples who want to maintain their independence and protect one another. But as youâve now seen firsthand, caregiving is physically and emotionally draining, and itâs not sustainable for one person to do it alone, especially when cognitive decline is involved.
The first step is to gather information. If your dad hasnât been evaluated for cognitive changes, contact his primary care doctor and request a full assessment. Knowing whether this is early-stage dementia, mild cognitive impairment, or another issue will help you plan more effectively. Youâll also want to talk to your momâs doctors to understand her current health and what her recovery will realistically look like.
Start by initiating a conversation with your parents during a calm moment when you can talk honestly yet gently. Focus less on what they canât do and more on how all of you can work together to create a safer and more manageable life. Phrase it as, âHow can we support you both?â instead of jumping straight to âYou need help.â
It may also be time to bring in outside support. Look into home care services, adult day programs, or a geriatric care manager who can assess the situation and suggest a care plan. If staying at home becomes too difficult, assisted living or memory care might need to be considered down the line, and starting those conversations early is wise.
Finally, remember to take care of yourselves. Caregiver burnout is a real issue, so it’s essential to set boundaries and ask for help when needed. Keep in mind that you are not failing them. Taking initiative now is the right thing to do, and that is what truly matters.
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