Q. My wife and I are of an age where we’re starting to think about our last chapter in life. We’re in our late 70s, our kids are grown, and we’re considering moving to a senior living community. Our house has become too much to manage, and we’d like to be surrounded by an active community where we can make new friends and enjoy life.
Candidly, my wife is showing early signs of memory loss. Dementia is in her family history. Both her mother and grandmother suffered from it, and I’m concerned that she, too, will have to walk through this journey. I would like to find a senior living community where she will not only have the care and support she needs, but where I can find support as well. As a son-in-law, I watched my father-in-law struggle to care for his wife and saw the devastating toll it took on his own health.
As we pursue the next steps, I’d like some advice on what sort of questions to ask during our tours. What should we look for during our tours to make a confident decision?
A. First, I want to commend you for thinking ahead and having these conversations now rather than waiting until decisions feel urgent. It sounds like you and your wife are approaching this next stage of life thoughtfully and with a clear goal.
During tours, I encourage you to pay attention to more than floor plans and amenities. Take time to observe the people you see. Are the residents out and about? Are they engaged in activities, friendly towards each other, and spending time in common areas? A community shouldn’t feel quiet or deserted. Look for signs of life and relationships. Also, pay attention to how the residents look. Do they seem well cared for, comfortable, and treated with dignity?
Observe the staff. Do they seem friendly, unrushed, and genuine? Do they know residents’ names and appear to have a good rapport with them? Remember, the staff will be caring for you and your wife, so as you walk around the community, think about how you’d like to have that staff as your caregiver, nurse, or server.
Given your concerns about your wife’s memory and your desire to remain together, ask detailed questions about future care options. Can the community accommodate changing needs over time? Specifically, if your wife needs memory care in the future, does the facility have a separate memory care unit that would allow you to remain under the same roof and maintain daily connection? Understanding that path now can prevent difficult transitions later.
Since community seems to be one of your goals, ask about the social life of the facility. Look for a vibrant and diverse calendar that’s filled with a variety of activities, not just games and entertainment. Does the facility offer outings, creative programs, and fitness classes? Would you be able to build real friendships? I also recommend asking about men-specific programming and memory loss support groups. Should your wife’s memory decline, you’ll want to have a strong support system already in place so that your health and well-being don’t suffer as your father-in-law experienced.
Trust your gut. As you walk around the community, ask yourself if you can picture your life here. Remember, you’re not simply choosing a place to live. You’re choosing the environment for your next season of life.
Have a question for our angel correspondent? Send our angel an email at jcbarrett@visitingangels.com, or write in at Ask An Angel, 65 Woodbury St., South Elgin, IL 60177.
