Q. Recently, I’ve picked up on a little tension between my elderly parents. Whenever I stop by to visit, my mom and dad seem to bicker just about everything. My mom has some memory deficits, and my dad is her unofficial primary caregiver. My dad’s health isn’t the best; he’s often in and out of the hospital for COPD complications. I try to stop by to help out around their home whenever I can, however, my work and family schedule is quite hectic, and I can’t stop by as often as I’d like. I think it’s time for all of us to have a conversation about hiring more help, but I don’t know how to approach the topic. Do you have any tips?
A. I empathize with your situation; nobody likes to see their elderly loved ones struggle. Addressing this sensitive topic can be challenging. You are wise to ask for advice first, before diving into this conversation with your elderly parents. I also want to say that your parents are most likely aware that they need more help, and they don’t know how to tell you.
Start by making an appointment with your parents to have this discussion. It’s best when all parties involved know that an important conversation is about to take place, instead of surprising them with this sensitive topic at an impromptu time. Then, stick to the facts of your parents’ situation. Avoid accusations and ultimatums. Instead, share how you worry when you’re at work, or how you’re feeling burnt out trying to take care of your own home and their home. They’ll feel less attacked when you share your feelings and concerns.
After you’ve briefly shared the facts of the situation, ask them to identify areas around the home where everyone could benefit from having more help. Maybe they would consider hiring a cleaning company to help around the house once a week or would agree to a grocery delivery service to free up some of your time. If they have a yard to maintain, perhaps they would be open to hiring a high school neighbor to mow it. Should your parents need additional help, there are in-home care agencies that provide an assortment of help for seniors, such as basic hygiene care, dementia care, or companion care. You can even take the approach of hiring more help for your mother’s sake, so that your dad still feels in charge. Once you all choose which services to hire, continue to involve your parents in the search for the right fit. Listen to their preferences and select the services that make them feel most comfortable.
Finally, give it time to work. It takes a few weeks for everyone to adjust to new faces, learn preferences, and establish routines. Set a date to re-evaluate your parents’ situation in two months’ time. If you still feel that they need more help, address the main area of concern. They will probably be more open to additional help, after realizing how beneficial it is to have more assistance around the home.
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