Now that the modern-day Bonnie and Clyde teen fugitives have been caught, parents across the nation are no doubt sitting their adolescent children down and wagging their lesson-loaded fingers in their faces.
I’m sure you know the back story by now, but let’s catch up:
Dalton Hayes and his girlfriend Cheyenne Phillips disappeared from their western Kentucky homes on January 3, heading for parts unknown rather than facing his trial for burglary and theft charges.
Their families knew that Dalton and Cheyenne had been dating for some time, but Dalton’s mom only recently learned that Cheyenne is only 13, while Dalton is 18. Cheyenne told him that she was 19, and because she already possesses many of the physical attributes prized by hormone-fueled young men, Dalton believed her.
Dalton’s mother also believed Cheyenne because the girl could go into a store and buy “cigarettes and stuff, so I didn’t have any reason not to believe she wasn’t 19. Because normally you can’t buy cigarettes when you’re 13 years old.”
Hey, if you can’t trust a Seven-Eleven store clerk in Kentucky, who can you trust?
So right from the start, Dalton and Cheyenne were both hardened criminals. He was a bail jumper. She was an underage smoker.
But things just got worse from there.
Dalton skipped out on his trial, picked up Cheyenne, and hit the road with her. Along the way he crashed his truck, so he hid it in the woods and stole a red Toyota Tacoma pickup truck—which just happened to have a rifle in the back seat.
But by now their story was all over the Internet, so Dalton made a smart move: He ditched the stolen red Toyota pickup just south of Atlanta and stole a silver Toyota Tundra truck. This one had two loaded handguns in it—a .45 and a .38 caliber. Call it an upgrade.
Their story only grew, and by now they were being called the modern-day Bonnie and Clyde. They began passing bad checks to fund their flight, and they were spotted on Walmart security cameras in South Carolina. Eyewitness reports flooded in all the way from Florida to Washington State, most of them about as trustworthy as a Cheyenne Phillips ID age check.
Their life of crime ended just past midnight on Sunday morning, January 18, when authorities found the two sleeping in the stolen Toyota truck behind an IHOP in Panama City Beach, Florida.
But just because they are no longer on the lam, don’t think that their story has ended. Not by a long shot.
Because Dalton will still have to face trial, not only for his burglary and theft charges in Kentucky, but also for grand theft auto, bad check passing, evading arrest, and a bunch of other crimes. And, oh yes, aiding and abetting a minor in the crime of buying cigarettes across several states. And if he did more with her than flick a Bic to help her light up, those charges could get much, much worse for him.
Cheyenne will be in trouble, too. She’s probably way behind in her junior-high schoolwork.
And so, as I say, though their crime spree has come to an end, Dalton and Cheyenne still have some explaining to do, and there will be no end of the finger-wagging talks that every parent across America will be having with their teenage kids.
Because, after all, that’s the job of a good parent, isn’t it? And it seems that good parenting these days requires more than just asking your son’s girlfriend for a Marlboro to check to see if she’s mature enough for him to hang around with.
And so, as a public service, here are a few lessons for you to consider when you have the talk with your adolescent young ‘uns:
First lesson: Don’t believe a 13-year-old girl when she tells you that she’s 19, even if she can smoke without gagging. Physical attributes can lie. And don’t trust a driver’s license, which can be forged. Give her the iron-clad test: Ask her who her favorite boy band is. If she can’t sing at least three Backstreet Boys songs, be suspicious. If she’s wearing a One Direction T-shirt, stop twerking and run!
Next lesson: If by chance you do find yourself on the lam and need to steal a truck, make sure that it’s a Toyota, because apparently every Toyota pickup in the South carries the Smith-and-Wesson road protection package, with at least one loaded gun in the back seat. You might find heavier ordnance in a Ram or F-150, but you’d take a hit on the gas mileage.
Which brings up a lesson for you homeowners: When your truck gets stolen, any guns you have stored in it will also get stolen. So go out and buy a few more guns to keep by the front door of the house so you can shoot at them as they drive away. Not that you can stop a Japanese pickup with American small-arms ammo, but at least you’ll feel like you made your point. Go USA!
But back to our tips for the kids: If things do spin out of control and you find yourself and your young squeeze speeding across state lines in a gun-laden stolen Toyota, trying to stay ahead of state and federal agents as the Internet tracks your trip, here’s a final lesson:
As a last resort, take your crime spree to Florida.
Because while armed pedophiles, stolen cars, forged checks, and fleeing teeny-boppers may be front-page items in most states, in Florida it’s just another slow news day.
